


Chessmate

by Wandering_Anima



Series: Mended Spines and Colored Pages [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Brothers, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Friendship, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Longing, Pain, Sad, Siblings, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:00:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29236482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wandering_Anima/pseuds/Wandering_Anima
Summary: We were never good at this were we?Bottled feelings.Those memories of us three are so precious for me, a treasure upon all treasures, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. No, I would brand it into all the spaces of my brain and heart, until there is no more left.How had it all gone wrong?Why did we let it get to this point?Why did we let this rot fester for so long?The distance between us, increasing.This time…
Relationships: Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Series: Mended Spines and Colored Pages [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118270
Kudos: 6





	Chessmate

**Author's Note:**

> Ciao ヾ(＠＾▽＾＠)ﾉ
> 
> I am back with the next part. AND don't worry, this series will have a happy ending. I already have the idea, just how to go about it. Enjoy/suffer the angst.

_ We were never good at this were we? _

**_Bottled feelings._ **

There can only be so much we can stuff into this bottle before it overflows. The contents pouring out with the wrath of a raging sea. Nothing to stop it. All these emotions are no longer secrets.

_ Nine and three-quarters.  _

Those were my first fond memories. It was here I met you both, but it was you first. We were just random strangers then, not even acquaintances. But you held out your hands first when I was too timid to. It was a first for me. And I reached for that hand, and I grasped firmly. I would've never thought that this could have been the start of something more, something I never had before.

_ A friend. _

You were my very first friend. The notion of a friend was so alien to me. It was a position no one ever had in my life. A someone that I wanted and needed. A someone to call my own. I just didn’t think I would make one, there in that little compartment that we shared just between us two. The bustling of students, the screeching of the wheels against the tracks, the pitchy whistling of the steam locomotives, and you rambling on filled my ears. But there was also something else that filled my ears, the erratic thumps of my heart, that deafened all other sounds. Erratic beats at the prospect of something new. 

The start of a new beginning.

You and me, we were tied at the hips. Always together. I don’t think I could even count the times you weren’t, you were there every step of the way. Facing the unknown with me. 

It was so exciting and thrilling just to have someone whom I could experience all of this with. Who would've thought of all the troubles and practical jokes I’d be involved in. Since I could remember, I’ve always been told to stay invisible, be unnoticed, don’t stand out. But there I was breaking all those rules with you. 

I remember how you would always ask me if I wanted to eat. Something so minor, yet it meant everything to me. Your ravenous appetite could never be sated, that I would offer my own food. The thing is I never thought I’d be so happy seeing someone else eat. My relatives, the ones that were meant to take care of me, would gather around the table, enjoying meals that I never thought I would taste beyond my dreams. It felt like they were rubbing it in my face, their perfect family enjoying a dinner together, as family should. I hated it, hated that I could never have a meal like that, all the more so that I didn’t have someone to share it with. 

But you were there at every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and as you like to call it ‘inbetween class snack times’. I finally had someone to share a meal with, every single day. It felt alleviating, even more so when our one and only lioness joined us. Having a family to share my meals with, I couldn't be more thankful. 

I wonder when I started considering you as a brother. Did you know I was actually scared to consider you more than a friend. How could I make such presumptions, I feared you would have thought me weird. You had many friends, why wouldn't you, would be more of the question. You had a certain charm to you, that just made people gravitate towards you. You were so laid back and welcoming. It felt soothing to be around you, no pressure or stress, no need to act like someone else. And I feared I was but one of the many, someone who could be replaced easily. That fear, many would think was irrational but not for me. No, I was scared if I crossed this line, I would lose you, that you didn’t reciprocate these feelings.

Then **_that_** day happened.

That day, a day that started out like any other. Nothing out of the normal to note. We were all lounging in the common room. Some of us reading and doing their work, while others playing games or just chatting away. Then your twin brothers came up behind you, both of them sandwiching you between them. There were some protests from you and laughter from the two pranksters. Then came  **_that_ ** question.

_ ‘Who’s your favorite brother, Ron?’ _

_ ‘Obviously it’s  _ **_Harry_ ** _.’ _

Then everything came to a halt. It felt like the world stopped spinning. Only silence. I stared at you, wide eyed, mouth gaping open. Quite the incredulous look on my face, I assume. And then you turned to face me, giving me a smile, an unsure one. To be followed by,  _ ‘well, umm… That is, if you accept, of course.’ _

What was I meant to say? You who had five brothers, chose  **_me_ ** , when you could have picked from any one of them. Yet, it was  **_me_ ** . I guess this knowledge was too much, that my brain stopped working, unable to keep up. So much so that I didn’t even notice the trails of tears that came rolling down my cheeks, like a broken dam, they wouldn’t stop flowing out of my eyes.

You sat there, worried blue eyes staring back into my tear filled green, spluttering out more apologies than your mouth could keep up with. With your brothers' teasings, you turn paler than a ghost, making your freckles and vivid ginger hair stand out, colors that clash against the backdrop of your skin.

I don’t even know how long I cried. My brain no longer registered my surroundings. I hadn’t even noticed when Hermione enveloped me in her arms, perhaps I would have heard her soothing voice, words of assurance, or the rhythmic motions of her hand rubbing small circles behind my back, if only my brain had worked properly. 

Then you came, squatting down in front of me, with rigid frantic movements. Then when you were finally eye level with me, you uttered my name.  _ ‘Harry?’ _ The voice held such concern and affection, something I was still so unused to, it finally snapped me out of my daze. 

Fully regaining my focus, in a whisper that could only be heard among us three,  _ ‘you really actually consider  _ **_me_ ** _ as a brother?’ _ I managed to sniff out, my voice breaking as I breathed out those words, hope and reluctance etching into the creases of my face. Then, not even waiting a minute, you assured me, with that brilliant smile, beaming at me,  _ ‘not just  _ **_a_ ** _ brother Harry, you're my  _ **_favorite_ ** _ one, the highest on the list mate.’ _

This only had me sob out,  _ ‘you’re the first one to ever say that, actually the only one.’ _ This only had Hermione huff out a small chuckle,  _ ‘oh Harry,  _ **_I_ ** _ actually consider you as one as well, my own little brother, my only one.’  _

With that revelation how could I not cry. It was one amazement after another. I could count the amount of times I had cried, and there weren’t many. It was constantly met with disapprovement each time without fail, that I learned to keep everything to myself. Only in the dead of night did I let out soft whimpers and pleadings, that my life would get better. And those wishes did come true because there I was for the first time in my entire life, I was crying but this time it was out of happiness and joy. It was probably a very embarrassing sight with you two consoling me and squeezing me inbetween, giving me all your love and affection. How could I possibly ask for more. Wanting more than this blessing would have been too greedy.

Everything was so great. **_I_ ** , for once, had a family, a brother and sister. Well  _ big _ brother and sister, that you guys always liked to remind me of, if only by a few months. But how could I complain when life rewarded me the best siblings I could possibly ask for. Those memories of us three are so precious for me, a treasure upon all treasures, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. No, I would brand it into all the spaces of my brain and heart, until there is no more left.

All of it was so amazing and beautiful. Three strings that connect to one another. It was all so calm and peaceful.

_ The calm before the storm. _

Everything came crashing down, there was no stopping it. The higher you go the greater the fall, right? Because the impact was truly painful. Something I never wanted to feel again.  **_Ever_ ** . An indescribable ache, I don’t wish to ever feel.

_ How had it all gone wrong? _

_ Why did we let it get to this point? _

_ Why did we let this  _ **_rot_ ** _ fester for so long? _

_ Why did we push it so far back, when there was no space left? _

_ Bugs that kept multiplying over and over again, devouring away at these strings.  _

_ Thread upon thread slowly but surely snapping apart, how had it gone unnoticed?  _

**_No_ ** _ , we chose to ignore it, because we didn’t want to acknowledge there  _ **_was_ ** _ one to begin with.  _

_ The distance between us, increasing. _

Those blue eyes, blue like the calm sea lazing under the bright warmth of the sun, peacefully going with the flow. 

_ When had those eyes changed? _

Gone were the affection and fondness, now replaced with contempt and scorn. Those blue eyes, blue like the raging sea, untamable, rising to meet the angry masses of clouds. The sharp howling of the winds, ferocious and furious, scattering bitter frigid rain. 

_ I hated those eyes. _

I refused to meet  _ those  _ eyes, I didn’t want to see them. Maybe I should have rised up to the challenge, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Perhaps, we could have solved this issue before it become too much to handle. Is it too much to hope that this could have been undone without any scars. Marks not upon flesh but our souls.

I never knew you withheld so much.  _ Why? _ Why didn’t you tell me, we were  **_brothers_ ** , or was it because we were brothers. I told you  **_everything_ ** , you were my own diary, you and her. But I wasn’t yours, no you kept them all locked away in yourself. Why must you bottle up so much, when you couldn’t anymore, it just wasn’t possible.

_ That you just erupted. _

There was no floodgate for this one was there? Nothing to keep me from these emotions, your chest open and your heart exposed for me to see. 

_ You had been jealous of…  _ **_Me_ ** _? _

How ironic that was. For I had always been jealous of  **_you_ ** . I admire you so much. You who had a big family, all redheads, but no exact one like the other, even the twins. Each with their own personality that rivaled the other, yet they could all come together just as well. I craved that so badly, a big family, loud and obnoxious, warm and loving. Something I did not have growing up, always dreaming and wishing for my own, to finally escape from the torment of those enclosing walls in that very tiny room, under the stairs, where I was forgotten.

Envious of the natural pull, people had towards you. There was nothing to fake, no false pretenses to keep up with. Those who veered towards you because you were you, they had no hidden agenda. They were drawn to you because they like and wanted to be around  **_you_ ** . Your bright personality with your contagious laughs. Your humor and wits that could liven up anyone’s day. Your lazy trait which puts people at ease. It was always so lively around you, joy radiating to everyone around. How could I not be envious, you were able to make friends so easily, something I struggled with so much. Always tiptoeing around people because I, unlike you, had a hard time with human emotions. You were able to grasp it so easily.

Then there was Hermione, dear old Hermione. The love between the two of you, so pure and beautiful. How could anyone else not want to covet what you had. The everlasting forevers, an endless eternity. You were each others’, only for each other. Such captivating love, so enamoring. I also wanted something just like that, someone to call mine for eternity as well. You guys were so beautiful together, two dazzling souls, that made each other whole.

_ I admire and look up to you.  _

_ My big brother. _

Yet, I had not known the shadows and darkness that danced in the devil’s tango, hidden behind that smile of yours. The hardships and sorrows deeply embedded, only to be painted over. I just never thought you would be jealous of me. The me who never really had anything at all, until I met the two of you. 

That you would be envious of me as I was of you. These achievements I made, the popularity I gained, I never noticed. Because you two were the center of my attention, all that I saw and looked for. I didn’t know that the spotlight on me would shadow you in the darkness, that you would also like to be in this light.

I never cared to be bathed in this dazzling light, so bright and unflattering. I had always been in the darkness, that spotlight was atrocious. All these mindless sheep that flock to me blinded by this light, all my ‘winnings’, were in the way of you and me. Carrying me away further from you two. These people only wanted to ‘know’ me, be my ‘friend’ because of the glory they think it would bring them. They never truly wanted to know and befriend  **_me_ ** , it was you two that did. They were hideous masks to enrapture me into false comfort, comfort that could truly never exist. I only wished to be in the comfort of you two, but I could no longer find you among the sea of wolves in sheep's clothing.

You hid so many of your insecurities and self doubt from me… No, maybe I should have looked closer instead of accepting everything you said, like a spoon fed baby. You who felt inadequate to be with Hermione because to you she was the stars and you were a seedling rooted deep beneath the soils of the ground, that you should never reach her. So you wanted to be the best you could for her, to  _ prove _ yourself to her. Oh, Ron, if only you know that  _ you _ have nothing to prove because she already sees you as what you truly are, and that is who she fell madly in love with. You are not just a seedling, you are the seed that will grow and grow, your branches will reach beyond the sky, beyond all these stars to reach her, the stars of your eyes.

You who felt forgotten amidst your many siblings. Not one of the first sons, no you were born later, their accomplishments already quite the height, to reach and over shadow. No unlike the twins who had each other to find comfort in, you didn’t really have someone who was in your corner. Then your sister, who was the youngest and the only girl, loved dearly by your parents. You were stuck in the inbetweens, like a chameleon you camouflaged to fit in, just another redhead. Someone to expect nothing noteworthy or greatness from like his other siblings. 

Invisible and forgotten, how similar we two were to each other growing up. You, who had this big family and me, who didn’t. You wanted to be different from your siblings, strived to not be overshadowed again, wanted to have the spotlight on you so your parents could see  **_you_ ** . But you were different from them, you stood out against all those redheads. You truly did. How could you not see all that you have done, all the awards you have gotten. The prideful look on your parents’ faces when they look at you, their son had reached so far when he had started from nothing. The way Hermione and I look at you, like you held the moon and stars in the sky. How much you stand out from the rest. You are not just  _ another _ ginger.

_ I would’ve told you all of that. _

I would've repeated them like a broken record, again and again, for you. But, right then, you were pouring out all your raw emotions. These flaws and imperfections of yours, how envious you had been of me, and how I was no longer around because I was too ‘good’ for you guys. In that heated moment, everything came rushing out, you were hurt, that I was no longer close, we were no longer tied at the hips.

I tried, all I could do was try to make you hear reason. Your voice, hoarse and cracking, breaking down in front of me. Then I said those words,  _ ‘please Ron, I understand how it’s like-’ _ , but before I could even finish, it was too late.

_ ‘Understand! Understand what exactly! You  _ **_don’t_ ** _ know what it’s like to achieve something, only to have your brothers done it before you. How easy it is to get recognition for something, when you have no one to out do it before you. To not have these high expectations to reach. To not have to prove yourself all the time, so your parents could see  _ **_you,_ ** _ not your siblings.  _ **_You have no family, you wouldn’t understand!_ ** _ ’ _

_ ‘I… I thought you were my family… You and Hermione.’ _

And so I left, feeling hurt and abandoned. A wound fresh and insidious. The only thoughts going through my head was how you could say that. Was everything we had just  **_nothing_ ** ! How could you revoke that proposition from all those years before, the memory still fresh in my head, making it hurt all the more. How could you say those cruel words, it felt like a carving on my bare skin, burrowing deep into my bones.

Now I realized we were both hurting, we were so blinded by our own misgivings, we failed to see each others’ pain. You had said those cruel words, words that came out wrong in time of a breakdown. You probably hadn’t meant them, you wouldn’t have purposefully hurt me like that. And I had done nothing to sooth your suffering, it was always you and Hermione who had done their best to make me happy. But I wasn’t there for you, when you needed me most. I had failed to see the pain you were hiding behind that smile, I had not bothered to truly know how you were doing, getting swept up in the current. How betrayed you must have felt when I had left you, letting this gap grow between us because I was scared if I clung on too hard, you guys would move further away. 

I was your brother, who let go first, fearing the ifs and buts, I let go of your hand that you had offered me. It must have felt like I was leaving you in the past, that your little brother didn’t need you anymore. Unwanted and forgotten like you had felt in your family. Just one of many in the crowd, blurring into the background.

I’m sorry for letting go first, you were my very first friend, then you become my brother, and then my home. You were my safe space, someone whom I could always be at ease with. Someone who I did not need to put up a facade with. Someone who had wanted and accepted me for who I was when I was and had nothing. I had taken it for granted, not considering your feelings when I had pulled away. Overlooking all those signs, not giving it the attention it deserved. Letting you deal with your problems all alone when you had been there for me, to help chase away my worries and fears.

I hope and I wish.

_ Would you like to play a game of chess? _

_ I am in a dire need of a chess mate. _

_ No game of chess can start without this, can it now. _

_ A handshake. _

This time…

_ Here, I offer you my hand. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
